Déjà Vu

"Life is pain, Heiness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." (The Princess Bride)

The university "Clinic." It was one of those weird moments on Thursday & again today when I visited my friend Nadin in our large, glass & steel hospital in Jena. She had surgery on her knee and is stationed just 1 floor above where I spent 2 weeks last spring.

I had an emergency situation in late March 2005 when the disc between my 3rd & 4th lumbar vertebrae bulged & 'ruptured' & a tiny piece went into my spinal column. It caused numbness in my left knee & also great discomfort (i nearly fainted at home from the pain, but managed to call a taxi on Good Friday). They wanted to operate on Easter, but I urged them to wait until I could get more counsel and see if the problem would resolve itself through prayer, or another treatment. I was desperate not to miss my only sibling's, my brother's, wedding on April 15th (bottom line: i missed it).

So many mixed & random memories ran through my mind today... & it was not a "happy" feeling. The many kind visitors from my church; the flowers & cards; as well as the early morning visits by a team of doctors (yawn! LIGHTS on!) & nurses coming in & out all day. I barely knew what the "outside world" looked like (entrance halls on the ground floor), since I'd admitted myself into the ER. I recall being exhausted even though I did nothing very physical. The electric "shock" thing they put on my foot a few times, to measure nerve damage. Not being able to reach the sink properly to brush my teeth. Meeting with Anja at bedside about the start-up of our next semester, & the arrival of a new intern from Florida. There were the myriad of late night phone calls to the States to try to figure out if I could maybe manage flying to Florida in my condition. Making hundreds of decisions myself.

Then the next 3 weeks spent in a lovely (but lonely) rehabilitation clinic in a village 25 minutes from Jena (& that's another whole story which I won't go into now). That initial event on Good Friday-- I had pulled myself off the floor (why on the floor? To keep from fainting-- with the help, too, of 800 mg. of Ibuprofen), gotten dressed quickly to meet the taxi, & stuffed a toothbrush & a couple of items in my backpack in case I had to spend the night-- little did I know I wouldn't see my apartment again for 5 weeks!

It was in many ways a true 'nightmare,' but also -- as are most tragic instances in our lives-- a chance to hear from God. To sing new songs and experience grace afresh in my humbled situation. To cry and pray a lot. To live with unanswered questions. To 'break in' a new journal --which I could only write in carefully in a semi-lounging versus sitting position. To draw near to friends who cared. To fight bitterness. To ask God to speak clearly and that I not 'miss' any lesson or new insight. To connect with verses in the Word...

"The days of our years -- there are 70 of them, and if there is great strength, eighty years-- yet their best involves toil and grief." - Psalm 90:10

"Make us glad to the measure of the days Thou hast afflicted us, of the year in which we have seen calamity." - Psalm 90:15

"Be cheerful on this account, although now for a little while, if it must be, you are distressed by various trials, so that your tested faith, far more precious than perishable gold that is tested by fire, may prove to be for praise and glory and honor, when Jesus Christ is revealed." - 1 Peter 1:6-7 (Berkeley version)