stranger

I have a new theme word in my life. It's "home." It came to me during an intense and revealing conversation I had over Christmas break (for those of you wondering, I still talk like a college student, with stuff like Christmas "break," because I work with university students!)...

This song about feeling like you're a "Stranger" by Mandi Mapes has such a great folksy, "unplugged" sound to it, and I can listen to her sing over and over ... the words sort of fit with this theme.

I believe living in 4 different countries (and 3 USA states) over time has given me a fresh perspective about what it feels like to BE home. It's more about familiarity, but also involves creating comfortable things in newer surroundings. Such as a routine habit or place (e.g., using the same hair salon or learning the name of the man, Antonio, at the kiosk where you buy your bus tickets). Or food (salsa and tortilla chips). Or using an old, favorite object (such as an April Cornell tablecloth I got in Boston or a happy photo) to make a new place seem more like a reminder than a shock.

Sometimes (well, often!) a part of me must change and adapt, so that I become like the surrounding culture, and thus, make things more familiar for me (the result is that going back to that "other home" starts to feel somewhat strange!). It may be a change in accent or drawl, or even language. Or learning to enjoy advantages in the new times to eat my meals. Or how to handle recycling. Or something more drastic, like what is considered polite versus rude or too frank!

There's BEING at home, and I also practice how to TRAVEL "home." While in college, I determined that wherever I went over Christmas or in the summer -- whether towards my family in another state, or back to my dorm room, that Texas drawl and those red brick campus buildings-- I was always "going home."

To OFFER a "home," such as when people have come over regularly for hanging out, or a meal or Bible study. I love the idea of fellowship and being together & that my apartment isn't mine (it had to grow on me, sometimes), but belongs to Jesus. So if something breaks, or gets worn out, or if my place is needed by someone even when I'm out of town-- hey, that's what it's there for. Not a showcase or museum, but a life- giving haven to be inviting and used (-up). Cozy! When Mom wanted to give me her silver, I "warned" her that it was too precious to be saved for a couple times a year, so I was going to enjoy this treasure daily, but would that be all right. And I believe Jesus wants to provide a sense of belonging to all who enter our flats or condos or trailers. I'll never forget what my buddy Derek in Vancouver once said. He said that entering the home of a church planter, Randy, was like walking into "jello love"-- and that that type of love convinced him these people (and God) were real. Never forgotten that image-- Jello love! :-)

But of course the main thing about LIVING OUT "home" involves people. Family-- definitely! But since I don't see family that often, finding people whom I care about is crucial and life- sustaining to my soul. As well as finding those who care about me... even if I have to maintain that friendship over the miles (too often the case, I'm afraid). The problem is-- relationships are messy. And I am far, far from perfect. So without any "definitive" ties to friends, you can just let them go. Or you give up. Either because of distance and time or you're lazy. Or from conflicts or the weariness of "doing life together" -- these friendships can slip away from you, and thus, a part of "home" is now lacking. Here are some verses I came across while doing Beth Moore's Bible study, "Stepping Up."

Psalm 126:6 - "He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

Psalm 127:1 - "Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain."

Do you know the tears that come, not only from not getting what you want from life or friendships or family, or from your "sowing" in God's Kingdom, but from missing that sense of home? I feel that I'm learning to trust God in even greater ways, to stick with people. To sense what God is telling me, see with His eyes, and not give up. But also to realize, in some sense, that nothing I can do can make a "home" (house), but only God can build it. Whether that be a literal house (getting a new mortgage rate, or having kids), or figurative (creating a space or relationships, for you, to be YOU).

That must come as a gift from God. I guess that's what I wish for in this new year.

(P.S. Above is a photo of mom, her last Christmas when she was well. That's a big piece of "home" that I miss this time of year, and around the calendar, too. She passed away January 6, 2010).

What is "home" for you? In what way have you chosen to embrace a lifestyle or path that rejects this world as being your home?